On Saturday, the squirrels started a war that has long been brewing, a war that they have no chance in winning. On Saturday, the squirrels struck at both the mind and the body of a few innocent young people after their vicious spy sneaked into 1207 through a secret entrance. On Saturday, that squirrel showed that all squirrels are little perverts: that was the room of two females, and what if one of those females were to be coming into the room after a shower only to find the beady eyes of vermin staring back at them in a state of near or possibly total undress? The squirrel should be found and be registered as a sex offender. On Saturday, the squirrels bit Steve Suhovsky!
To give a full overview of the events I will start at the beginning. I was lying in my room when good old boy Dan Bryan came in looking for his jacket and then took mine. After asking him where he was going, he said, "Getting rid of a squirrel in Tara and Eileen's room." Now this statement confused me due to its random nature and I asked Dan to repeat it, which he did; I then asked for it to be repeated again. When it finally clicked that an actual squirrel was rampaging through 1207, I was interested in the potential mayhem, but also a bit shocked that Dan would be the one to do this. Over the summer, he was unable to deal with a mouse problem in his summer home, showing fear of the mouse and worry about how he would go about killing such a thing. Dan though assured me that living in the backwoods of Ringwood, New Jersey he goes through such odd animal encounters all the time, so we walked over to 1207 with Dan claiming, "Nothing exciting is going to happen." Dan Bryan is a liar.
After arriving at 1207, we found Steve Suhovsky and Miss Clare Walsh standing in the hall outside the room where the squirrel had been found when Steve went looking for hair care products. I still did not fully believe there was a squirrel in the room—that this was one of Steve's lies—until Dan opened the door and the furry-tailed bastard was crawling along the wall. Dan strutted in the room while wearing his dandy leather jacket, opened the two windows, and then left. Problem solved he said. This was not good enough, nope not at all. As Steve pointed out, with the windows open more squirrels could come sneaking in, kill us all, take over the house, smoke cheap cigars, drink brandy, and cause all other sorts of mischief and mayhem. Also, what if the squirrel simply hid somewhere else in the room? Maybe he wouldn't be seen for days while he plotted a terrible plot to murder all the inhabitants of 1207 while they slept and then gorge on an entire can of salted peanuts. This could not stand, so Steve and I asked Dan to check the room to make sure the squirrel had left. Steve and I told Dan to do this while we both stood hiding in the doorway—our usual tough, no-nonsense attitude replaced by nervous jittering and high-pitched girly screams. After looking a few different places, Dan finally picked up the mattress, and then we all got the fear.
The squirrel, as squirrels do in all situations, freaked out. It came running towards the only obvious exit, which was the doorway where we were all hiding. At first I thought the thing simply ran out the door, but then I looked down to see its furry tail shaking violently at my feet. It was at this point that I squealed, pushed Steve out of my way, and ran for the safety of the bathroom, closing the door on Steve's face. I actually had a dream about this situation last year where I was being chased by a squirrel through an off campus house. I am a prophet. Finally, after calming down and after the squirrel ran away we assessed damages. Dan was fine, Clare will surely need psychological help in the future but she appeared fine, I was freaked out, but Steve... the bastard bit Steve on the leg, he drew blood! Steve was forced to go to the hospital, as those who care about Steve—mainly myself, the one who pushed him into harm's way and closed the door to safety on his face—felt it would be best to make sure he didn't have rabies. Steve went to the hospital, got medication, and it looks like he will survive, although I'm sure the nightmares will be terrifying.
Why, oh why, would this squirrel do such a thing? Did it really want to cause such horror in the lives of such wonderful people who deserve gold and not squirrel attacks? Had this attack been planned by the greater squirrel population for weeks or possibly even months? I don't know the answer, but what I do know is we will not rest until the species is completely wiped out. Do I climb into the trees and try to freak out the squirrels in their homes? No I do not. My relationship with squirrels has never been good, but there was some basic respect for each other's personal space. Now they have crossed the line, they have started a war, and they will pay for it with the blood of their friends and their children.