These are troubled times in Scranton, PA.
At about 8:30 eastern time on Sunday, Brett Favre launched the lamest of all lame duck passes straight into the arms of Eagles' defender Brian Dawkins in overtime of the divisional playoff game between Green Bay and Philadelphia. The interception set up an easy chip shot for David Akers, which sent the Iggles to their third straight NFC championship game.
Hachie machie.
Any feeble success of a Philadelphia team brings nothing but pain and suffering to your favorite warrior-poet (I've decided to call myself that from now on; "writer" doesn't come close to describe the magic I do on a laptop). Two years ago, I had a buffoon Philly fan brag to me about the Phillies finishing stronger than the Mets in the NL East; that being fourth rather than fifth. This type of insanity is common within the black heart of a Philly fan. As a rule, they would rather see other teams suffer than see their team thrive. They are obnoxious, loud, unattractive, and usually quite stupid.
The discerning characteristic of these mongoloids, though, is their spectacular disloyalty. We all remember Rush Limbaugh's comments in the beginning of the season, after a slow start saw the Iggles at 1-2. Limbaugh was his usual nitwit self and said something nasty about McNabb being overrated because he was black; he said the only reason he gets any attention is not because of his play but his race. I know what YOU, intelligent reader, thought: "What an awful thing to say! I bet those great Philly fans stood behind their man and pledged allegiance to the man who represents their entire offense! Only a bunch of low-grade cretins would abandon their main man after two games of shaky play!" Sour news, Jack. The worst part about the whole Limbaugh debacle was that almost every Philly fan agreed with him. Judging by the ones that I know, nearly every Iggle fan wanted to get rid of this poor schlub, mired in a terrible streak of three straight pro bowl seasons. Two bad games and the crowd had turned... not surprisingly; they booed their team when trailing 14-0 to the Packers this past Sunday. By the way, McNabb rushed for a postseason-record 107 yards and threw for almost 250. You wastes of life do not deserve a man playing this hard for you.
Now back to the heart of this article... what this all means to ME. Unfortunately, my beloved Jets had an awful season, finishing 6-10 and far from playoff consideration. This leaves only the NFL fan in me watching these games, usually with no personal stake either way. Not any more. I now have a personal stake in the satanic Iggles advancing no further than the NFC championship game. If they win, life in picturesque Scranton, PA will be a living hell. Bandwagon fans (which comprise 90%) and acutely repulsive hardcore fans will be out in full force, screaming that rip-off "E-A-G-L-E-S, EAGLES!" chant (boy, I wish the Jets could come up with something like that) everywhere a young drink-seeker finds himself. Already it has started in the bars and parties; as the stakes get higher so will the stupidity level. Fights and chants alike will break out at every party, as inescapable as the Ebola virus. Stupid fans who know nothing about their team will attempt to brag and take pride, while the hardcore fans will simply drink themselves into an alcoholic bliss.
This brings me to the point I am trying to make. I do not want these Philadelphia fans to feel joy. I want them to suffer and, as Frank Bova observed, witness their team become to the NFC championship game what the Bills were to the Super Bowl in the early nineties. I want them to turn their filthy backs on the only player worth a damn on that team, Donovan McNabb. I want them to claw desperately at the positives of three straight seasons making the championship game and failing to get it done when it counts (or in the game to get to where it counts, for that matter). I want the chants of "E-A-G-L-E-S, EAGLES!" to die out the way they did last year, when that blissful moment came and McNabb threw what is forever to be known as "the greatest interception in the history of man" against the Bucs. I want the Iggles' last chance at a Super Bowl victory to go down in flames, since many of the team's key players will leave in the off-season. I want Jake Delhomme and Stephen Davis to make the Iggle defense look like a pop warner squad. I want to see McNabb blindsided, Staley laid out, and Westbrook tear a muscle (one down). I want the Panthers to win, but if not I want Manning or Brady to get it done in the Super Bowl.
But most of all, I want it to be my team in there. Se la vie.
Go Colts!