Editor's Note: Your regular columnist, Stephen Suhovsky, will not be writing this week due to his immense hatred for the human race and its constant stupidity. His exposure to this scum was too great during the holiday season and he needs time to recover. So as a favor, NOFX singer "Fat Mike" has contributed a diary entry in its place.
Dear Diary,
I am just so excited and can no longer contain myself. Why? Well it's almost time for my big concert, silly! What concert do I speak of? The "Rock Out Against Bush concert." Actually, I like to think of it as more than a concert. It is way more important. Being a musician of such a high stature as myself, it is my duty to help the young generation understand politics so that they know what is going on in their world.
Bands like Green Day and Good Charlotte will also be on hand to help the youth of our world understand that they have the power of choice. I underline the word "choice," Diary, because it is an important word. Choice is what every red-blooded American teenager has a right to have, as long as it is the right one.
For example, we will have voting booths as well packets of propaganda... information. The young, innocent, pliable minds that will be attending the concert will be able to read the anti-Bush packets then use the voting booth to vote against Bush. That is what being an American is all about, Diary. I am a famous and, more importantly, a rich American. It is my duty as a rich celebrity to tell people what is right and wrong. This is easy to understand because I am a rich celebrity, and who knows more about politics then a rich celebrity?
Anyway, I wish that stupid-head bush would just get out of office; I don't care who gets in, as long as it's not him. What really jerks my turkey is this whole war with Iraq thing. It is so not cool dudes. Don't you guys remember the good old days when Bill Clinton was in office? He never had any wars and the economy was doing great. Instead of declaring war, Clinton would just send in a small group of Special Forces to go up against entire third world nations, a la Black Hawk Down! That's what we need, man, a president who doesn't really tell us the truth. Just tell me everything smells like roses and I'll go back to my million-dollar mansion and happily smoke weed with my other band mates.
Well, Diary, the sun is going down so it about time for me to wrap it up. I learned a lot today listening to my self-righteous self ramble. I've learned that it is important to inform the young American generation about how us rich people view politics, so that they can not be freethinkers, but be correct choice makers. I've also learned that Bush is a totally not cool stupid-head! Punk rock rules!
Love,
Fat Mike
Editor's Note: Fat Mike didn't really write this column, Stephen Suhovsky did. Besides, everyone knows that Fat Mike doesn't have a diary—he keeps a journal.