It's the week before Christmas and recent CNN polls state that one third of Americans have not finished their holiday shopping. The majority of these presentless (or clueless) fools are men. So, if you're struggling with what to give the lady in your life this year, fear no more. My twenty years of double X-chromosomes and gossip have come to the rescue.
For Mom
After we hit high school, homemade jewelry boxes made out of Popsicle sticks or glitter thrown on construction paper no longer represent the perfect gifts. Moms may have unconditional love for their babies, but after awhile it's time to start paying them back for all the gray hair and vocal chord damage we caused. So hook Mom up for Christmas and start the New Year right.
Moms love to be pampered. Hell, after 20 plus years of driving a van full of whining kids, cleaning up messes she didn't make, and bagging brown lunches morning after morning, who wouldn't need a little personal care?
If you have big bucks: Treat her to a day at the Spa. These people do the gift giving for you; you just have to autograph that little debit card receipt and you're good to go.
If you blew all your money on Goodfellas, Granteed's, beer, and CD's: Make one of those coupon books promising to do house work, to take her shopping, to make dinner, etc. throughout the year. (Print neatly or type for more of a "hey, look! I graduated fifth grade" style).
For the Girlfriend
This is where things can get complicated. Some girls are high maintenance and/or traditional and others are more low-key and/or quirky. The key to any good gift is to put thought into it. For you amateurs, here's a little FYI: thought does not equal money. So get your butt off the couch (Madden can wait) and get shopping!
The "Traditional" Gals: Traditional girls like to be wooed.
woo: v. wooed, woo-ing, woos.
- To seek the affection of with intent to romance.
- To court a woman, to seek to tempt or invite.
- To buy her jewelry.
If your wallet can handle being ripped open and poured out onto a glass counter, rock a charm bracelet (especially if you're thinking about staying with her for a while.) Charms aren't nearly as expensive as the bracelet itself and you have a present for every anniversary, birthday, and Valentine's Day in the year(s) to come. Consider this an investment of both time and money: splurge on the bracelet and one cutesy little charm now, and have reasonably inexpensive gift ideas for every little link that encircles your sweetheart's wrist.
The Quirkier Ones: If your girl would vomit on the wrapping job for which you paid three bucks extra, or run away screaming at the hint of you two being more than just hook-up buddies, feel free to make things more fun. A stuffed animal with a story behind it can win over any female heart. Build-a-Bears are great ways to say... well... to say anything you record onto that little voice box they put in the tummy. You can even dress it up in funny/sexy/cute/weird clothes and totally personalize that baby to say "I really care about you, my quirky girl; so much, in fact, that I didn't want to scare you away with diamonds!"
Fun tee shirts, anything to do with the 80s, CD's, a DVD of the first movie you saw together/hooked up during. Things like this that show her you pay attention to more than ESPN or porn are also surefire ways to make certain you have a very Merry Christmas night. Note: the above also works for a girl who is technically just a friend but secretly is the love of your young life.
For the Close Girl (Space) Friend, Sister, Cousin, Any Other Female in the World
When all else fails you can do one of two things:
- Suck it up, walk into Bath and Body Works (or some similar girly like store), pick out a basket, throw in a bottle of smelly spray stuff, some lotion, some more lotion for a different body part (i.e.: hands or feet), and a thing of lip balm. Ask the cashier if they have any gift boxes and presto! You have a perfectly acceptable "girl gift." (This also works for girlfriends. Just pick out something you want to smell every time you get close to her. Many a manly man enjoys Cucumber Melon just as much as his significant other does).
- 2) Pull out that MAC card again and get a gift certificate to AC Moore or Borders. I don't know anyone who couldn't spend a paycheck or ten in one of those stores.
So when shopping for those of us who still carry a dead strain of the cootie virus, remember three things:
- If it took some time to put together, we'll love it.
- If it smells good or makes us feel good, we'll love it.
- And if it's set in gold, we'll (almost always) love it.
Happy last minute shopping!