Since being captured, the notorious Saddam Hussein has been under the most extreme security. He has spoken to no one but U.S. officials. He has not made any statements. No visitors have been permitted to see him. Until now. Due to my dashing good looks and smooth-talking ability, I have landed an interview with everyone's favorite dictator, Mr. Hussein.
Just as a side note, to make Saddam feel more at home, U.S. officials dug him a nice little dirt hole in the ground, complete with air duct. So rest assured, this will be the most intimate interview with Saddam ever... except for when Diane Sawyer conducted a very special interview. There will be none of that going on here. WINK.
Me: Nice place you have here. I know you have an affinity for all things Western. Is this Gucci dirt?
Saddam Hussein: Nope, the American scum gave me Armani. Capitalist pigs are probably hoarding the Gucci.
Me: Typical. Moving on, whatever happened to giving your life for the cause? I thought you said sacrificing yourself in the name of Islam was the honorable thing to do, as your sons did. Why did you just hide in a hole?
SH: (Laughs). Good question, as always. I did not think people would actually follow that nonsense. It was more along the lines of a figure of speech. You know, like when Clinton said he did not have sex with that woman, Ms. Lewinsky. (Laughs). Remember Bill? I love him; I like to think about myself as the Bill Clinton of Iraq.
Me: Really?
SH: Of course! Why would I lie? Are you calling me a liar? You Western scum, I am going to teach you a lesson in pain! (Saddam tries to wriggle over to hit me as I try to wriggle away. We both realize it's going nowhere as the tunnel is too small and we are both fat.) Ah forget it. You get the idea.
Me: Well that was kind of fun. Lets move onto other, more important things like...
SH: (Interrupting) It was the French.
Me: Huh?
SH: The French did it. Everything.
Me: Did what? What did they do?
SH: Uh... damn it. I do not know; I just needed a scapegoat and the frogs seemed to be the easiest target. I really need some sort of defense when I go on trial.
Me: Yeah, it’s hard to plead not guilty after you killed thousands of innocent people.
SH: Ah yes, the mustard gassing of the "little people." Good memories—you make me smile. Did you just get a hair cut? You look nice, you know.
Me: Well, speaking of gayness, what do you think about your portrayal in the movie, South Park: Bigger, Longer, and Uncut?
SH: It could not be more accurate. I give Trey Parker and Matt Stone credit; they did their research well.
Me: You are kidding, right?
SH: Nope. I had several one-on-ones with them just to clear up the odds and ends. Satan was against it first, but a little rub here and there at the dinner table smoothed everything over. Those two are good boys. Good people.
Me: Well, I'm speechless. That is a good movie though, I'll admit that.
SH: Yeah, the royalties from that movie helped me pay for many of my weapons of mass... uh... candy. Weapons of mass candy... production! I love candy!
Me: You are a straight-shooter Saddam, and I admire that. Well, the worm crawling up my pants is the signal for this interview to end. I bid you adieu. May your death be as painful as you are a coward.
SH: Thank you, Sir. Do me a favor on your way out. Tell Mr. Clinton thanks but no thanks, I don't want that wretched whore he sent me to touch any part of my body, I don't care how much fun it is.
Me: Righty-o, man, righty-o.