I have this disease. It's not terminal. It's not contagious. It's not even a real disease. Yet, I call it the "I can't get to sleep before 3:38 AM no matter how tired I am and how early my class is the next morning and I have three ten-page papers due which I haven't even started thinking about yet" disease.
As you could probably guess, there are numerous pratfalls and consequences to being afflicted with such an affliction. However, what you might not realize is that there is a vast land of milk and honey that lies beyond the border of 2:00 AM. There is an unexplored resource of insomniac television that goes unwatched by millions of Americans on a nightly basis.
That is where I come in, dear readers. I have shouldered the load of responsibility and have accepted the task of imparting to the world my knowledge of the denizens of late-late-late night television.
My first groundbreaking discovery was that MTV still plays... music videos. I mean, who knew? Here I was, thinking that the lost art of arranging random images on screen in a vain attempt to relate some message conveyed in the lyrics of a song went out in the late 90s with Bill Clinton, my junior high school career, and Metallica's artistic integrity. As far as the suits at MTV are concerned, at 3:30 in the morning, those whiny little punks on The Real World do not exist. The execs are not concerned with what types of excrement Johnny Knoxville rolls around in, or how many crying pre-teens they can cram into Times Square. It's as if I've died and gone back to 1992. It's great. VH1, MTV's preppy older brother, does the same. They even call it "Insomniac Music Theater" as opposed to MTV's creative title of "Music Videos." Apparently, MTV exhausted its brain-trust formulating the idea of bringing back videos to the channel that kicked off it's first broadcast ever by playing "Video Killed the Radio Star" by the Buggles.
Second only to the resurrection of the music video in terms of excitement are the over-abundance of informational commercials (or, in layman's terms, infomercials) that can be viewed by the average insomniac. Unfortunately for the infomercial-loving public, cable channels seem to be flooded with commercials that guarantee to enhance your sensuality or to add inches onto your manhood. Like most other infomercial aficionados, I do not regard them as legitimately informational or reputable. So, I disregard them. Instead, I look to the infomercial gods to offer me products that will not only save me time, but also can replace many of my pre-existing appliances and/or other household objects. No, I am not talking about Billy Mays. Billy Mays is a hack. Anyone who thinks the cleaning power of either oxygen or oranges is that exciting deserves to be shot. I am talking about the one, the only, the Mr. Ron Popeil. Who else has offered me the opportunity to not only cook great looking food and reduce the fat of said food, but also allow me to use fun catch phrases while doing so? You would be hard-pressed to find an alternative. Here is a man who, through the popularity of his ShowTime Rotisserie Convection Oven, has added the sentence "Set it... and FORGET IT!" to our lexicon. His accomplishments are innumerable. The Vice-President of Infomercial Gods is none other than Chef Tony. Not only does a grown man parade himself on national TV looking like Super Mario's younger brother, but he's also hocking knives that can cut through concrete, iron, and work boots without ever dulling. There's a lifetime warranty. And if you can't believe a middle-aged Italian guy who refers to himself as Chef Tony, whom can you believe in this world?
As I stated before, there is some post-midnight malaise to be found while navigating your way through late night cable. One such example is stumbling across a thirty-something Mario Lopez hosting a show on Animal Planet. You might know Mario from such hit TV shows as The Other Side (with the deplorable Danny Bonnaduce) or as the "on-the-street" reporter during Dick Clark's New Year's Rockin' Eve, but you probably don't. You most likely know Mr. Lopez as the good-natured jock Albert Clifford Slater from the immortal Saved by the Bell. How far can one former sitcom star fall? While other SBTB alums went onto significantly more indelible projects such as Dead Man on Campus, Showgirls, and Saved by the Bell: The New Class, Mario seemed to be mired in relative obscurity. Unfortunately, though, this relative obscurity was in full public view. How can someone so obscure also be so visible?
While we are on the subject of sitcoms, I hereby propose a ban on showing Full House at any time other than 4 PM in the afternoon. I can testify firsthand of the dangers such viewings can initiate. Say, hypothetically, that a person is watching Full House at 5:00 AM and it just so happens to be the episode where Michelle's best friend Teddy is moving away. Michelle, extremely distraught at this prospect, kidnaps Teddy and plans on keeping him in her bedroom. Luckily for Teddy, the lovable Uncle Joey explains to Michelle that just because Teddy is moving away, that doesn't mean they can't be friends anymore. The scene climaxes with a heartbreaking gesture when the two tykes exchange their favorite stuffed animals. By showing such episodes, Nick-at-Nite is just daring me to get all teary eyed and force me to reevaluate my life because I am crying because of an episode of Full House. The life of an insomniac is pretty pathetic. Well, at least now I know that if the whole being a serious educator thing falls through, I can always find work selling cooking appliances or cleaning supplies.