Ever wonder what happened to those days of "do you like him or LIKE him?" Yeah, me too. Even in high school, things were simpler. We were friends, friends who had raging crushes on each other and were too afraid to admit it, or we were going out. People hooking up, sans the title of "boyfriend/girlfriend," were the minority and the only real stress in romantic life was making the decision to formally ask out that one special person you've had your nearly obsessed eyes on.
Then all hell broke loose when we entered the college world. Now, I may have romanticized high school life a little or lived in a comfortable little bubble or something, but college (pseudo) love lives are some of the craziest things I've ever seen. Let's examine some, apparently normal, college relationships:
The Drunken Hookup
Okay. From what I've heard, these are fun at the time. Your eyes lock across the crowded basement, he talks to you without spilling beer down your shirt, she holds on to you for dear life after she's had one too many shots, then BAM! You're in a random room before you can count up to your current B.A.C. The problem here, post instant gratification, is you go home and cannot remember each other's names. One night of crazy passion leaves you hung over the next morning with only a fuzzy idea of what happened the night before (and maybe an anonymous undergarment or two left on your bed). There is no potential in an escapade like this. And what if you were coherent enough to snag a phone number on your way out the door? You have no idea what he or she is like... is he as hot as you thought he was after a couple of rounds of beer pong—and what if she's crazy? Yeah. My suggestion is watch out for those Natty Ice romances.
I'm Crazy for You!
Hey, I'm a girl. I know my own kind. And I love you, ladies, but when it comes to love or lust or any combination of the two we can be a little less than logical—although I do not place the full blame for our occasional psychosis on us. You see, we girls like to be liked. We want to be wanted and if you hook up with us, more than likely we're going to fall for you—unless we find out soon after that you suck at life. In that case we'll probably just walk away and tell everyone we know what a loser you are, thus ruining your chances with any girl within six degrees of someone we know). The extreme of this situation, gentlemen, is say you are enjoying yourself at a social gathering when you find yourself dancing with/sitting next to/making out gratuitously with some little vixen. The next day she very well may be at your apartment/dorm/house waiting for you to get out of class with gifts, engagement plans, and a list of lyrics she plans to leave in her away messages just-for-you. If you're not exactly into the obsessive type, prepare for crying, pissed-off profiles, and evil looks from girls you didn't even know you knew on campus. This is what happens when you let down she who is so in love with you after just one night.
Friends with Benefits
This is possibly one of the most dangerous endeavors in the "romantic" world. Two friends click—they're friends forever. Everyone thinks they are the cutest thing ever, already thinks they are together, thinks they should get married, etc. but still the two insist that they are "just friends." Then one fateful evening... it happens. The kiss. This can go one of two ways. A) Great. You already know each other's idiosyncrasies, you have a history, and apparently you're attracted to each other. Congratulations, your life is reminiscent of a romantic comedy. Or, B) Badly. You hook up for maybe a couple of weeks, one starts to fall for the other, and then you have "the talk." So and so feels smothered, wants to see other people, or isn't feeling it anymore, etc. Yeah, insert Dashboard lyrics here. Friends, beware of your hormones. They are dangerous little things.
Recycling
For some reason, some of our lovely peers find it amusing to add to their suffering. When dating one friend does not work out, they move on to a close friend of their first heartbreak. Maybe it's that they're lonely, maybe they feel a spark while snot and tears are making streams down the rebound friend's shoulder, or maybe we're all just really horny. Who knows? But this is bad—especially when it involves best friends. Don't do it. One of the cardinal sins of love is to fall for two best friends: one day you're boffing friend x, and the next you're painfully singing Lisa Loeb in the shower thinking about friend x's best friend. Not only are you confusing yourself, but you're confusing everyone around you too, and a ménage a trios will not solve your problems. You need to either remove yourself from that attractive circle of friends or learn to keep your hands to yourself.
I could go on and on about the chaos we create for ourselves here at school. The point is: whatever happened to just liking one person, having that person liking you back, "asking out" Mr. or Miss. Right (Now) and living happily as "boyfriend/girlfriend" in a non-dramatic, happy, healthy relationship? Honestly, it's no wonder that we can't concentrate on all those tests and papers that are supposed to be so important. We can't even figure out if we're supposed to call that kid's number we have scrawled across our hand, let alone memorize every item on the periodic table of the elements. Hell, where's the periodic table of college relationships? That would be a lot more useful to everyone I know.