Ah, it is finally the end of the semester. No more papers, no more tests, just one final push and then we find ourselves in dead week. Sweet, sweet dead week, with not a single test or paper to hand in. HA! Psych. Dead week is a lie and there is no such thing as one final push.
You just get a day of breathing room before you have to take your finals. Dead week lets you enjoy doing more papers and tests then there are prostitutes on the Vegas Strip. So after studying your ass off for most of the semester, are you ready to make that one true final push during finals week? If you are anything like me, friend, chances are no.
I am here to help you get through this tough week by avoiding it completely (that’s Zen for you, son, straight up). Now, any moron could easily fail his or her finals. Simply by not showing up for it, you can fail your exam, guaranteed. It takes a truly great being to fail it in style, and fortunately for you, I, Stephen Suhovsky, know a truly great being. Sharing his tips will be no problem.
Here are some, among many things to do instead of studying for your finals this week: video games, tackle football, your friend's mom, or watch a movie such as The Last Samurai. You can think about studying but not actually do it, or even give a solid beating to your roommate if his name begins with J.
Those all sound like great ideas, and from personal experience, they are a lot of fun. However, this is about failing in style, friend. So here are some other ways not to study for your final, ways that are not among the norm.
You could enlist the work of a fellow ROTC pal to help you create squirrel traps in your backyard. This is effective for many reasons. One, it sends a message to the squirrels' buddies that if they ever try running through your house walls again, this will be their fate. Two, a squirrel hanging from a noose placed in the appropriate spot in your housemate's room, particularly female basketball players, will provide for good jollies. Thirdly and most importantly, while doing this little adventure, you aren't studying!
Another idea is the simple task of breaking stuff. The preferred tool to aid you in your quest is a slingshot. My housemates and I were lucky enough to find one in our couch over the summer, and friends, let me tell you, it was a Godsend. This little baby sent a nickel right through our wooden door. I think the amusement you can have with that speaks for itself.
That seems like enough dealings for now with what to do before finals; it is now time to mention briefly what to do during your finals. Sure, you can sit down and pretend like you are actually writing something worth reading in those satanic blue books of pain and suffering. But remember, this little motivational speech was all about failing in style. To complete your failure, just try this: stand up and walk over to the kid in your class who annoyed you the most the entire semester. Unzip your pants and proceed to urinate all over the annoying bastard. If this doesn’t get you a failure, throw in the towel, Nancy, because you succeeded!