Steve 2.0, the editor of this magnificent website, was crazy enough to give me a soapbox, from which I intend to reach all corners of the globe, and enlighten every last reader of this wonderful column—both of you! After months of careful contemplation, I have finally decided exactly what I will enlighten all of you with; the topic, my friends, is politics!
Because of my affinity for things that work, my innate belief in the great country of America, and the idea that the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness applies to every citizen—not just a select group of billionaires—I am proud to call myself a liberal democrat. I should explain that the format that we have decided upon calls for myself, and Dan Nelson, a person brave enough to call himself a Republican, to write opposing columns each week. This hopefully will provide some entertainment, and I certainly encourage you all to read Dan's column as well as my own, if only to get a firm grasp on the ridiculous inconsistent nonsense that my right-wing friends fling about, expressing utter disregard for truth and reason. I consider it my responsibility to use this column to debunk the vicious untruths that the Republican Party has been spreading for years. At the same time, I hope to convince you, as intelligent and reasonable people, that liberal political thought not only makes sense, but also is an integral part of any successful political system.
I almost feel a little guilty when I think about how easy it will be for me to accomplish these goals. It will not be easy just because Dan is an easy target, although that will certainly play a role, nor because I have such potent allies as Bill Clinton, Joe Kelly, and Jesus Christ. No, it will be painfully simply because the vast majority of the fact, tradition, and social understanding falls squarely on the side of liberality. Picture that huge statue of Lady Justice that stands in the briefing room of the Department of Justice. Yes, the same one that Attorney General John Ashcroft recently spent $18,000 to cover so that Americans wouldn't be offended by her naked stone breasts, it's amazing how titillating Ashcroft seems to have found those breasts of marble to be. Now picture the scale that she holds in her hands. One side is loaded with the accomplishments, successful theories, and reasonable, rational policies of the Democratic Party; the other side, representing Republican accomplishments, sits barren and empty. The Republicans have shown themselves to be devoid of good ideas, spending their time on what they are truly good at: taking from the poor and giving to the rich.
Just in case my thoughts appear to be slightly biased, let me take this opportunity to present some facts, so you can decide for yourselves. I'll start in a time that we all remember well, think back some 15 years, and you will remember a country at war, drowning in debt, and rapidly degrading in every sense of the word. Surprise! This country was run by a Republican. Thankfully, the intelligent, rational, moderate people of the country kicked George H. W. Bush out of office before he could do any real harm. Americans then, in their infinite wisdom, elected the greatest president that this country has seen since LBJ, a small town Mid-Westerner by the name of William Jefferson Clinton. Remember that $290,000,000,000 (that's billion) budget deficit that this country suffered through under the first Bush? Well, Clinton, a Democrat, was able to propel America out of its vast economic hole, and launch the economy to new and previously unfathomable heights. By the time Clinton left office, not only had he vanquished the deficit, but the country actually had a $167,000,000,000 (billion again) projected surplus. All this was accomplished by taking the time to invest in regular Americans, rather than billionaires and their huge corporations. You must be thinking... Wow! $457,000,000,000 in just 8 years? That's pretty impressive, but maybe it's just a coincidence, maybe Clinton just got really lucky (no pun intended). So let's take a look at what happened afterward: in a momentary lapse of judgment, a minority of people voted for George W. Bush, and the highly conservative Supreme Court interceded to appoint King George. In the three years since he has been in office, he has spent the surplus, bankrupted the treasury, produced the largest annual deficit in history, and at the same time was able to find the money to give enormous tax cuts to the wealthiest one percent of the population! This is to say nothing for the quagmire of a war that has cost the lives of hundreds of American men and women, with no end anywhere in sight.
I think we all agree, after hearing the facts, that Republicans are infinitely bad for this country. I have seen and experienced the terrible havoc that Republican administrations have wrecked on our country and I trust that the readers of this column have as well. Therefore, we must do something to stop this madness, so contact Dan Nelson, our local idiot Republican. Tell him that you have a brain, and you will therefore be voting Democrat next November!