Last week, as I was rambling on about beer pong and pleated mini-skirts, the other obviously more talented writers on this site were sounding rallying cries against voter apathy, bipartisanship, and poop—which, if you think about it, is just another word for politics. So, this past weekend when I started formulating ideas for this upcoming article, I kept coming back to the two biggest events of the past two weeks: the (then) upcoming Presidential election and the ALCS between the Yankees and the Red Sox. Banking on the American people to not make the same mistake twice, I was pushing for a close Kerry victory, and I had the comparisons all worked out. Underdog from Massachusetts, after years of pain for his/their supporters, scores a "come-from-behind" victory to take down the so-called Evil Empire. Kerry was even seen sporting a Sox cap during the final weeks of his campaign. Could it have been any more perfect? But, apparently Fate and Destiny were still out celebrating that World Series victory and forgot about poor old Johnny K. In fact, I can almost see Destiny and Fate sitting at a bar somewhere in downtown Boston, around 2 AM Tuesday night/Wednesday morning, saying things like "Wasn't there something we were supposed to do today? Oh, screw it. Next round's on me!"
But now, the fat lady has sung. And, there doesn't seem to be any sense in complaining about it. So, instead, I offer my plan of action: sell Ohio. I, Robert A. Goldberg, am hereby declaring myself founder and president of the "Sell Ohio So that in Four Years We Might Elect a Capable President Initiative," or the "S.O.F.U.Y.M.E.C.P.I." Think about it this way, with the money we get for selling Ohio off to the Canadians the government might just be able to finally fund more worthless military actions around the world. Besides, I'm sure it's only a matter of time before Bush decides that Yukon lumberjacks have ties to Al Qaeda and we go trolling up the St. Lawrence River looking for nuclear silos, so we might as well make some fast cash in the meantime. Plus, the Canadians should look at Ohio like a little piece of America they can bring home, not unlike the prize at the bottom of a Happy Meal. Hell, if they want, America can even still hold governing force over Ohio, so that Prime Minister Paul Martin has some frame of reference on how not to run his country. Let's just hope for the collective good of the American and Canadian people, the President doesn't happen to catch a 4 AM showing of Canadian Bacon on HBO2.
To be honest, as unbelievable as it may sound, I'm not all that upset about Kerry losing this election. Actually, I believe it might just be a blessing in disguise. Now, don't get me wrong, I would probably support the pizza delivery guy over Bush. But say Kerry won: for the next four years, he would be the person burdened with all the mistakes and misjudgments Bush made. And the "But I didn't screw up the country, it was like that when I got here" excuse would only work for so long. Come to think of it, the Democratic Party probably thought of this strategy months and months ago, because I don't buy that some stuffy Senator from Massachusetts with no discernible personality was the best possible choice to take down Bush. I mean, didn't they learn anything from the Bush/Gore debacle four years ago? I mean, Gore was stuffy and boring too, but at least he had that whole Clinton thing going for him. And that didn't even work. And as an added bonus, we get to see Bush fall on his face. With Bush still in office, they don't give the 2008 Republican candidate any mudslinging material, while the Democratic Party stockpiles it like "political capital." In fact, I can almost see the campaign slogans now. "This is what happens when you vote Republican!" I'll start printing out the bumper stickers now.