A thank you to all those who helped me make up my mind during Election 2004:
Hi. My name is Stephen Suhovsky and I am a registered voter. Registered independent that is. I had no idea who I wanted to vote for when I started thinking about it in early 2003—you know, that part of the year when politics just wasn't that "trendy." But thank God for MTV's Rock the Vote, Sean "P-Diddy" Combs' Vote or Die and the Vote for a Change tour. Without them, I wouldn't be part of the 20 million loud, and boy, would I be red in the face.
Thank you Sean Penn, for making me realize that one day, after I become a rich and powerful celebrity, that there are steps I can take to stop myself morphing into a mound of fecal matter much like yourself.
Thank you Puff Daddy, (or P-Diddy as the kiddies call you nowadays), for sparing my life. I voted, so now I don't have to fear you gunning me down on the way to class.
Thank you Will-I-am of the Black Eyed Peas for your comments in Rolling Stone. I agree with your "Teachers are getting paid nickels, and I'm getting lots of money to rhyme cat with bat." I expect a weekly check made out to my mother, of at least a grand to be delivered to my house. She's a Catholic schoolteacher, so you probably make more than her every time you rhyme the words "I can't believe" with "The shit that comes out of my mouth." You can spare it, trust me.
Thank you Bruce Springsteen for making me realize what being blue collar and from the New York/New Jersey metro area is all about. Despite my dad being a life-long electrician and my mom being a school teacher, coupled with the insane property taxes (which is the fault of local government, not federal) they pay for living within the five boroughs, I've been blind about that my entire life. Well not anymore, thank you.
Thank you Good Charlotte, for making me realize that shitty bands that nobody listens to can have an opinion also. Go get 'em, you political tigers you.
Thank you Susan Sarandon, for finally agreeing to leave the country. Actually, I have nothing nice to say to you; I've never enjoyed your vomit-inducing movies anyway. I actually will thank God on this one for giving you the ability to leave American soil.
Thank you Michael Moore; you've made me realize that our military forces have been tricked! They didn't realize that when you sign up for the armed forces, there's a slight chance you could be in a situation where your life is at stake. Forget all those war movies that have been out in the past, like Black Hawk Down or Saving Private Ryan. Your movie reveals the truths about the army, and what they expect of you.
A big thank you especially goes out to those political citizen/advocate/truth tellers. Without them telling me what is right and what is wrong and who to vote for, I probably wouldn't have been able to wipe my own ass properly until I was pushing 30.
You've all made a huge difference in my life. You've made me, as well as a majority of the country vote for Dubya. Actually, I have to lie. I like the new "America are a bunch of retards" stance that has been evolving. Sigh. I mean, it's not like that condescending attitude turned voters off or anything. They will hopefully reach intellectual status one day. One day...
On that note, I'm going to go say a little prayer in public school, worship the 10 Commandments in front of a California court dressed as Moses, and go to Christopher Street in Manhattan and throw Bibles flaming with the power of Christ at the Chelsea boys when they walk by. Hooray for freedom! Hooray for me!