Well this will be two weeks in a row where I have an article for your reading entertainment; but sadly, or in some terrible cases this might be good news, I won't be writing the article. You see the sun is finally blazing in the Scranton sky and I can't be confined to be in doors listening to 160.9 playing an insanely inappropriate amount of music by the band Boston. It is my duty on these days to skip through fair meadows, chasing butterflies, and giggling my worries away. So, this week you will get incoherence in the form of Ozone Park native Michael Penigian. Mike doesn't go to Scranton; in fact he bashes the city week in and week out in my conversations with him, but he's been here a few times, left his mark on the carpet upstairs, and is as ridiculous a person as humanly possible, so I present this article for your confusion. I advice all who wish to read it that you might take some Tylenol, or possibly an entire bottle of Tylenol before reading to deal with the headache that will surely come from trying to make sense of his nonsense:
Yo, what up gangsters. I understand that Mr. McGrath is running out of ideas for his columns on this stupid hick mountain town's university literary cyber publication and he has allowed me, the Hollywood in your Harlem, the Bismarck in your BS, and the intercourse in your chastity, a simply charming and electrifying young man from the place your mother warned you about, God's gift to an entire zip code, and a sexy dancer. (Note to Brian: Don't tell the rubes and hacks who this is). I have a tale to tell of adventure, Lowe's Warehouses, wonder, and mischief, so ROCK ON!
It all started in Late 2000 when the Mega-Powers of Brian "Randy 'Macho Man' Savage" McGrath, Michael "Hulk Hogan" Penigian, and the Mighty Fish-Head "Miss Elizabeth" Man were sitting around in their fortress of solitude in Miles City, Montana playing Pee Wee Herman's version of steal the bacon when all of a sudden trouble arose (among other things). The "creatures" were invading Mike's lush Fargo, North Dakota ranch and destroying his garden that he planted with care and were also killing nine school children in the process. Now despite Mike giving 100,000 dollars a year to various children's charities, he hates children, and did not mind these "creatures" wiping out nearly 50% of the state's population. However, his carrots and tomatoes were toast. This made him angry. He sprung up and vowed revenge. But first, Brian fell down a well after chasing Penelope, a half-man, half-squirrel, half-telephone, half-Bea Arthur creature (or something), and broke his tailbone and had to stay behind. He pleaded but Fish-Head Man would not let him journey on. In his place was Elisha Cuthbert, the star of the new hit motion picture "The Girl Next Door," who was not known at the time but was brought in from 2004 to be a sidekick. Mr. McGrath was pushed to the curb by the ex-porn star next door in a hapless attempt to get him out of the story and hot chicks into it to make it more appealing for the demographic: Males age 18-25. This is just my way of killing him off, only less violent and gives me a chance to bring him back and have his rear-end kicked again. Sorry man.
So, Mike, Elisha Cuthbert, and the Mighty Fish-Head Man proceeded on to the Peace Garden State of North Dakota via the mighty I-94 East listening to Wilson Phillips ("Hold On" about 200 times), Poison ("Ride The Wind" about 700 times), and Gwar along the way. The drive through Montana was very tranquil until they hit North Dakota. As soon as they entered, Adolf Hitler Bunny Rabbit and a hologram of my Dad drunk and strung out on psychedelic 60's drugs stopped us. They asked us what we we're doing here. We said we had to deliver the JFK brand ice cream to the Burger King before the goobers got to it and that is when they let us pass. The hologram of my dad beat the living snot out of me just because and Hitler Rabbit did bad things that I cannot say... Yet, he had tremendous control over the Nazi Giraffes.
All was going well for about and hour until the puppeteer of the vegetable gremlin from "Gremlins 2: The New Batch" and Diamond David Lee Roth appear. Dave comes over and starts rambling on about something that not even God can translate, something along the lines of, "Bozzley wozzley bippidy bop bop. How do ya do, sons of horses, this is Diamond Dave, son of White Castle's cheeseburgers, and my mission on Earth is strictly informal: to excite and arouses the masses. Boppely boppley bop zedybop." He went on for some three hours while we stood in a trance from the ridiculousness, until he exploded from his own insanity turning into ten million tiny Diamond Dave's that went all through the United States stumping people. The puppeteer was just a background character, much like Yak Face from "Return of the Jedi" was, and had nothing of note about him other than that birthmark shaped like Delta Burke on his right buttock.
So when we got to Bismarck, the capitol of North Dakota, The Mighty Fish-Head Man came down with a bad case of crabs, for you see when you are half-man, half-fish you may have once lived in an ocean before you washed onto a dirty Rockaway Beach power plant sidewalk. So in the ocean, crabs and other lethal aquatic creatures will be after you and the crabs go to the Mighty Fish-Head Man first. So Dark Angel's own Jessica Alba replaced him. Jessica Alba, the chick with the weird name from that new movie, and I were in Bismarck when the World's Largest Statue of a Cow and a Buffalo came up to us and accused us of mowing the green North Dakota prairie grass and tried to maul us until we explained that we are here to help and proved it. We showed them a half eaten Slim-Jim from 1992, the cracked case cover from Iron Maiden's "No Prayer For the Dying", and a book on how to still be cool after you won first place in a butterfly collecting contest; they knew we were here to help and that we meant business. So the World's Largest Statue of a Cow and of a Buffalo flew us to Fargo.
When we arrived, we saw that the whole place had been ransacked. The Roger Maris museum was in ruins, the Space Alien Cafe was destroyed, and the local Home Depot was turned to nothingness. It appears that the Baa-Ag Ninjas lead by a flamboyant android have destroyed the whole city of Fargo. They answer to one being--one almost God-like being, the creator of time, space, and the infinite universe: the Ch-Ch-Change Man along with his cat Nipsy. We had to think quick so we all summoned the power of Naked Mideon, with his snowy white buttocks that when he lays down in snow you can never find him, who shot everyone with pink sparkles and turned them into grasshoppers with Hall & Oates for antennas, beat Mike Tyson's Punch Out without even looking, everyone made love, not war (not in a hippie sense), and the Ch-Ch-Change Man was destroyed when he found out that the nickel will be having a new design soon. And then Brian McGrath fell off a cliff.