All my life I've been, more or less, incapable of expressing myself to the opposite sex without sounding like a complete jackass. Usually one of two things happen, either A) I say something totally inappropriate and freak the girl out or B) I say something completely and utterly confusing and alienate the girl from direct association with me ever again. Actually, they sound like the same thing, but whatever.
Add on to this that, for the most part, I have spectacularly wretched taste in girls. I go for the ones that, because of my genetic makeup (a.k.a. my pale skin, reddish hair, and less-than-chiseled features) or because of my awkward social tendencies (a.k.a. unfriendliness and general weirdness) think of me as "a nice guy," a "great friend," or (and most usually) "not my type." Consequently, I practice the tried-and-true methods of avoid-and-deflect and ignore-and-deny knowledge (of existence) to the female species. Generally, "friend" is not a term I understand in relation to the female sex.
Historically, I've been with every genre of female the male species has classified. I've been with the "one-night stand" girls, the "good friend that you shouldn't have kissed" girls (yes, there have been more than one of these), the "friend of a friend" girl, the "sibling of a friend" girl, the "friend of a sibling of a friend" girl, and the "you don't speak English? Ok good," girl. The number of "types-of-girl" I've had experiences with shouldn't confuse you with the actual number of girls I've had experiences with, because that number is significantly less than the "types-of-girls" I’ve been with. The thing is, some of the girls I've been with fit under numerous categories, which simply means that when I'm assessing the damages and healing from the wounds I can ultimately understand better why I hate them so much and blame myself; mixing "genres" is always bad news because you're combining so many different types of female psychosis and, generally, one type of female psychosis is already too much to handle!
To deal with my failures and frustrations I have tried a number of tactics, both practical and downright pathetic, to get the upper hand in between the resolution of one fling and the beginning of another. My favorite is applying the techniques of the "Asshole Theory" to potential flings and watching it work it's magic.
If you’re unfamiliar with the "Asshole Theory," it follows the premise that girls like assholes and therefore if you are an asshole you will get the girl. The problem with the "Asshole Theory" is in delivering a believable asshole persona, which obviously, if you aren't a real asshole, is a major obstacle. Note: the "Asshole Theory" does not equal playing hard to get. The "Asshole Theory" is a series of complex gestures, language tendencies, and behavior quirks which draw a female into an otherwise ridiculous conversation or situation that most normal people would find insanely hard to understand and which is disturbingly opposite of rational thought patterns related to socially acceptable standards of flirting and dating. Basically, the guy pursuing the girl is obtusely stupid, obnoxiously ignorant, incomprehensibly rude, and generally socially unattractive. However, by a quirk in the evolutionary patterns of females, this behavior is accepted because it presents the challenge of "making the bad boy tame," or "trying to control something that seems uncontrollable." Although this seems ridiculous, and insanely stupid on the parts of females—since the "nice" guy would be so much easier to pursue and tame (because really, nice guys are much hornier than assholes since they never get any play and will basically do anything girls tell them to do), this type situation happens all the time and girls never fail to validate all the research done to establish the "Asshole Theory" as a legitimate cultural truism.
Unfortunately for me, I'm terrible at being an asshole. If there were an "Unfriendly Person Theory," or a "Act Like You Have No Game Theory," or even a "Say Stupid Shit And Act Goofy Theory," I'd be in business (and I'd be getting the business). As it is, I have to come up with my own ways of wooing females and, as of right now, I've got absolutely nothing working for me except dumb luck and a total lack of inhibitions induced by alcohol. However, I do have a plan I'm thinking of implementing very soon. It's nothing original, and I don't even think it's particularly rare to come by as a legitimate practice, but I think with my genetic background and with what social skills I have, it just might work for me. I call it my "Lowering of Acceptable Standards" plan.
This is how it works. Let's say I walk into a bar and there are ten girls I would love to talk to and pursue. Then let's say there are three girls that I would never consider even walking by just standing around trying to let some of the pretty girls' prettiness rub off on them. Under the LOAS plan, I would bypass even considering even one of the ten pretty girls and would instead focus all of my concentration on the three less-than-attractive girls. Understand this would still call for an enormous mustering of my social skills and even with them at full strength, success would not be guaranteed. However, the chances of success would increase incredibly with even a 30% decrease in socially acceptable standards. At 75%, failure is almost unheard of and the only thing you have to worry about is how you'll feel about yourself in the morning.
In essence, this is a terrible plan, but it is a plan, and for someone with no expectations of grandeur it works. Would I recommend this plan to anyone? No. Am I misogynistic for writing this? Yes. Am I bitter? It's probable. Do I feel like less of a man for admitting this? Not any less than I started out as. Do I care? No, because only 20 people will actually read this and the only people that will comment on it are the McGrath family and Fatty McFat. In the end though, I've got a plan and I'm sticking to it, and that's got to count for something, right ladies?