This article being written solely because Steve Mekosh has threatened physical harm against me if it isn't finished tonight. After reading some of his short stories—all involving someone being horridly killed in the end—I figure this is a good idea. One downside to this article is I have absolutely nothing to rant about, although I did just accidentally smash a baseball onto my keyboard, not that it was done on purpose or any of you care, but again... I got nothing!
One brief bit of news over the past few weeks that should be known by all is the return of the Quasi-mighty Van Hagar. Yes boys and gals, after years of speculation stemming from the Van Halen brothers going into hiding due to the end of the doomed Gary Cherone period of the band, David Lee Roth getting more psychotic by the year, and Sammy Hagar having the only voice that can still compliment Eddie Van Halen's playing, they have returned. I am somewhat disappointed that the reunion isn't with Roth because he brings a sense of humor to the group, but Van Hagar has some quality songs, and almost anything with Eddie Van Halen playing guitar is a good thing. Hell, a major reason that "Beat It" is the best Michael Jackson song is Eddie Van Halen's guitar solo in the tune.
David Lee Roth however has gone completely insane, he's lost his mind, and myself plus the majority of all rational beings who have witnessed Roth's actions as of late know there's no hope for sanity anymore in Diamond Dave. Now Roth can still be highly entertaining, especially in interviews where the interviewer either takes Roth seriously or pisses him off, but artistically it appears the end of the line has passed for Diamond Dave. A recent interview with Roth shows he can still pull out a line that is nearly as golden as my entire collection of articles on this website, but the majority of his interviews are incoherent ramblings that are also similar to the majority of my work on this site. For example, there is an answer he gave in a recent interview with some British magazine I will naturally not correctly cite:
David Lee Roth: "The thing about being black and Jewish, is that I have a really small penis and a really big opinion of myself. So I'm an instigator, not a bully. Picasso once said, 'Life is what you make of it,' to which I reply, 'Bozzly, bozzly bop!'"
Maybe you don't find that funny, but I do and thought it should be seen by the masses (I know that at least 12 people will read this article). Before I die, I hope to have a sit-down conversation with David Lee Roth—not an interview, simply cheeseburgers and beer at some bar/restaurant—where I can find out if he is truly the entertaining mental patient he appears to be, or if he just hides any and all shred of normalcy behind his Diamond Dave persona. Not that one needs to be normal, but I read the man's autobiography "Crazy From the Heat," and I think there is something more than he presents to the public.
Well I think this is both long and nonsensical enough so it will now come to a close. If I keep up this current schedule you should all be hearing from me in about a month and I would like to end by sending a one-word message to Chris Potocki: "Turtles."