I'm back, I'm back! Sorry for the temporary departure from the website folks. I'm sure you've all been missing the precious words I am capable of stringing together into meaningful, coherent and glorious jewels of wisdom. I had a bit of a run-in with a fellow Scranton Student writer that left me temporarily shocked out of total consciousness. Before I get to the meat and bones of this article I should tell you of my run-in and warn you away from any encounters with Brian McGrath.
As you may know, Brian McGrath is the on-again/off-again author of the "Me Wise Magic" column, although I wouldn't be surprised if you've never read more than a paragraph of his work here on this fabulous collection of incoherent thoughts we call the Scranton Student. Mr. McGrath's articles usually follow some delusional stream-of-conscious thought pattern, most often deriving from his frequent "Crazy Walks."
If you are unfamiliar with Mr. McGrath (and I pray for your mental and physical safety that you are) and his Crazy Walks, basically all you have to do is imagine one of the town bums/crazy people that roam the streets of your home town stumbling around, glaring at everyone who looks at him. He's neither conscious of his actions nor fully aware of him demented visual appearance he displays on these rambles through the magnificent streets of Scranton, but trust me (for your own safety), he is capable of hideous things unimaginable to any rational human being.
On one specific night—the night in which Mr. McGrath, someone I sometimes call friend when it's convenient to use him for what he is good for (basically nothing, actually), attacked me savagely and caused my temporary lapse in reality for the past three weeks.
Mr. McGrath (or "McWrath," as we like to call him) was out and about scaring small freshmen and chasing squirrels he believed were whispering to him one night when he spotted me as I trailed behind him, amazed by his psychotic behavior. Before noticing me, Mr. McGrath—besides chasing squirrels and giving freshmen girls thorough sniff-downs—was hopping on the balls of his feet singing the alphabet to the tune of Outkast's "Hey Ya!" (a difficult task when tried) in a whiskey-induced, drunken stupor. When he did finally spot me he fell to all fours, howled, began rolling in circles on the concrete sidewalk, stood up, and chased me with cheetah-like speed until he came within pouncing distance and leaped upon me, screaming every derogatory term for midgets he knew. After this, he got off me, licked himself a few times, disappeared into City Slice (a pizzeria), and tormented more freshmen girls.
I was left unconscious and shaking. I smelled like moldy cheese (Mr. McGrath's signature scent) and as a result, my nose was bleeding profusely. Unfortunately for me, there was an underage drinking party to break-up down the street so no Public Safety or local police officers were there to witness the attack or provide assistance afterwards. You see, every police officer of every rank must respond to underage drinking parties, even bike police. If you ever want to rob a bank, phone in an underage-drinking complaint or a bar fight and the city will be clear of any police force to stop you.
Luckily, my good friend Steve Shaw, who was coming back from his fifth stop at City Slice in the last fifteen minutes witnessed the whole thing and rushed out to help me back to my house. Since then, I've been restricted to bed and have been eating almost everything through straws. The doctors say that if I'm lucky, I can go on to solid Jell-O in two weeks. Mr. McGrath has denied ever attacking me and since my attack has maimed at least four other innocent bystanders to his madness. He has also swallowed two whole dogs.
Having now told my story, I am more shaken than I expected. I'm not sure I can continue with what I actually intended to write about. Damn you, Brian McGrath! My train of thought and concentration skills will never be the same! Please, reading audience, find pity on me and allow me to continue with what is actually important next week. Until then, stay clear of Brian McGrath and his maniac ways!