Note: These guidelines came to me in a dream one night via a prophet from God. The prophet's name was Yppiz Yag, and his message was clear. He wanted to let me know that God had chosen me to deliver the guidelines for "trash talking amongst fans." After hearing all the things the glorious prophet Yppiz said to me, I pissed myself and fell unconscious. Several hours later, I awoke and started to compose these guidelines from God that every fan of sports should follow—or suffer a fate worse then death. Um... I don't know exactly what fate that is yet. God does not divulge much. Sorry.
Guideline One: Lifetime Passes for Talking Trash
Teams who have lifetime passes to talking trash whenever they want: the New York Yankees and the Montreal Canadiens. With 24 Stanley cups under the Canadiens belt and 26 World Series Championships for the Yankees, their fans can talk all the garbage their sweet little bee-hinds want to. Who can possibly compare to those championships in their respective sports as of now? Pretty much nobody. This guideline can possibly change thirty years down the road if another team, when hell freezes over, passes one of these teams by championships won. Until 2033, Hab and Yank fans may talk it up 'till the cows come home.
Guideline Two: The One-Year Trash Talking Pass
If your team wins the championship in their respective sports, until that team is eliminated from championship contention, they may talk all the trash they want. For example, fans of the Tampa Bay Buccaneers may keep talking as much trash to other fans as they want… until that glorious day in a few weeks when they are officially eliminated from playoff contention. Then shouts of "One-Year Wonders" can be showered upon the former champs and current chumps.
Guideline Three: Rivalries
This may seem like a tricky area, but it is not. Something like the Red Sox vs. Yankees "rivalry" is, in fact, an oxymoron. This is not a rivalry. Sure, they have been playing each other since the early 1900s, but the outcome is always the same: Yankee dominance and Red Sox failure. Fans of the Yankees just about have a lifetime pass for trash talking Red Sox fans. A true rivalry would be something along the lines of Michigan-Ohio State. Granted, Michigan leads the series 56 wins to OSU's 36, but that is not that lopsided. Fan trash talking in this case can resort to the one-year trash-talking rule. Whoever wins that particular game that year can talk trash until a winner is decided in the next match-up.
Guideline Four: Those Who Are Not Allowed to Talk Trash
If your team has never won a championship in its history, then it is best to keep your mouth shut. A prime example is the Philadelphia Eagles. They have yet to win a Super Bowl in their entire existence, yet for some strange reason, Eagles fans are among the most obnoxious trash talkers in sports. Frequently pointing out the shortcomings of other teams, Eagles fans fail to realize they have no championships to back up their trash talking. The Florida Marlins, who have been around for less then fifteen years already have two championships to gloat about. The Eagles, who have been around for 70 years, have nothing to show for it. The bottom line: no championship wins for your team, no trash talk.
Guideline Five: Short-Term Trash Talking
This is for regular season victories. For example, let's say the Red Sox beat the Yankees during a regular season game. Red Sox fans may talk trash to Yankee fans until their next meeting. If the Yankees win the next meeting, the favor goes back to the Yankee fans. However, if the Yankees lose the season's series, the Red Sox fans may talk all the trash they want until season's end. If the season is over and the Red Sox have still failed to obtain a championship, trash-talking rights go immediately back to the Yankee fans. Just insert other teams in place of New York and Boston and follow the same formula.
Guideline Six: Lifetime Ban from Trash Talking
If you switch allegiances at any point after your 11th birthday, you have no right to talk trash. If you are a fan of riding the lovely bandwagon, you cannot talk trash. You cannot talk trash for multiple teams in one sport. "My family are big Devils fans, but I've been a Avalanche fan for life." Statements like those are unacceptable. Choose one team, you coward.
If worse comes to worse and fisticuffs are the only way to resolve a trash talking match, then do so. Just keep in mind that your team was so terrible that you had to back them up by physically attacking the fan of another team. In that case, Yppiz Yag will come down with a sword of fire and put a curse on your team: never will your team see championship gold (SEE: The Eagles).