Almost every single night before going to sleep, I walk the streets of Scranton. Due to my random sleeping patterns, these walks usually occur at or around three or four o'clock in the morning. If you think Scranton is an odd and frightening place during the day, you should be happy to know that the place becomes weirder during the night.
The first oddity realized by rambling through Scranton streets at this time is the absence of squirrels, and the abundance of rabbits. Where do those disease-infested, fluffy-tailed rats hide during the night? I still have not been able to discover their location. My best guess would be that they all get together in a giant group meeting of the species and discuss how they plan to surprise and confuse me with their antics during the day. I don't enjoy the squirrel population, nor do I think they add anything to society. In fact, if I ever discover their hideout, I plan to dispatch a pack of rabid Dobermans to put and end to their mischief and tomfoolery for the betterment of this world.
Rabbits are a different story. My attempted discussions with the rabbits have thus far resulted in nothing but my tears as they quickly hop away when approached for pleasant conversation. One day I actually caught one between my two hands, but the little bastard bit me on the knuckle and the encounter ended with me crying once again. The rabbit population—while antisocial—are more acceptable than those vicious squirrels. While they go out of their way to avoid me, which is upsetting, they at least aren't determined to aggravate me with ridiculous behavior and pelting my head with nuts like the squirrels.
On the human aspect of life in Scranton during the wee hours of the morning, it is high on randomness, but low on sacrificial virgins. Anyone I encounter wandering the streets at night is perceived as a potential enemy, or person who wishes to use me for financial gain. One example of this was when a Latino man approached me wearing a poncho and blood around his neck. For some odd reason, I decided to approach him, and ask about his well being. The man informed me that he simply had an accident (HA!), went to the hospital (he showed me the hospital band), and needed a ride home (jetpack out of fuel). I could offer him no ride, but being a good Christian offered the man one dollar for a cab. He accepted my gift, left happy, and I left unharmed... all was well.
Another strange interaction with the Scranton population happened late in the second semester of last year when I was walking around downtown Scranton at about four in the morning. At that time, all the stores were closed, but I noticed one with the lights on. I went over to inspect why the lights were on in the store, it was a jewelry store, and there stood a man vacuuming in only his briefs and a pair of stylish glasses. The man looked perfectly content to be vacuuming in a state of near undress, and so did I; hell, it was sexy. Never mind.
Is there a point to this column? Yes! My goal is to liven up the city of Scranton late at night during the alcohol-free weekdays. Come join me, the homeless, and/or the insane who walk these storied streets of Scranton during the evening. You will find action, adventure, nature, and romance all around. My only word of advice to those who dare step out into the darkness: There is a blind hobo who walks these streets late at night, guided by a Jack Russell Terrier that foams at the mouth. The man is kind, but if he offers you a candy cane, you are to scream "Rory Dory" and run in the other direction, for this makes him giggle. So University Students, come join me and explore what life is like under the stars in this lovely city we all call home: Scranton.