Welcome to the first ever online edition of Bryan's Song. I know you're wondering how webmaster Stephen Mekosh landed the best damn columnist in the history of the Aquinas. Well, the answer is simple: fried Oreo's.
Since it's our first column together, let's play a little game. How about "What does Dan do with the last twenty dollars he has left to his name?" The choices are:
- Save it for going out on the weekends,
- Use it for food, since his ten meal plan doesn't nearly cover enough of the week,
- Give it to the church (you know how much they need it, hell my $30,000 a year isn't enough, they've got to pass the basket around during every damn mass),
- Impulsively buy the new Springsteen DVD.
If you are new to Bryan's Song or to me in general, let me give you a hint. What is the least responsible answer possible?
I'm broke as a joke. A bad joke. One my father would tell. A vicious cycle of consumerist greed is the driving force behind my poverty. I've always had money until W. came into office. Since then, I haven't had two nickels to rub together. I know you're saying, "You schmuck, you don't have a job. How can you possibly blame the president for your extreme state of poverty when you don't even show a slight attempt at gainful employment?"
To this I reply, "Hey, Hitler, the third Reich fell about sixty years ago. Get off my back." Like many college students, after classes and other school-related activities are finally done, I have absolutely no desire to work another minute. I would rather spend my time watching Conan or Orange County Choppers or finishing another Madden season. As you can see, I have my hands full.
So how does one survive without much money? There's one easy answer: hit up the parents. I have a problem with this. My parents don't love me. As any loving parent does, they should give me anything I want when I want it. However, with them it's always "You've got to learn responsibility," "You can't mooch off of us your entire life" and "Please stop freebasing cocaine at the dinner table." Mundane stuff like that.
So, if you are like me and don't have money or loving parents, how can you get by at the University? Freshmen, pay attention.
The common misconception about going out to house parties here at the U is the cost. Being the enterprising man that I am, I have disproved the notion that a student would need to spend ten, sometimes even twenty dollars a weekend on booze.
First of all, the night's inception must be at a party your friends are throwing. This way, you can easily get a cup for free that will come in handy not only at that party but also later in the night. I hope you've all taken Theater 101, because you're gonna need it here. When you enter the house, seek out the friend you know the best (or the one that wants you the most, be it opposite or same sex), and ask where the cups are. If you've built up a decent repertoire with this person, he or she will most likely get you a cup free of charge. What you have to do immediately as the cup-giver reaches into the bag of Dixie's is to feign a motion to your wallet/purse. If the cup-giver does not see the feign of motion, start to fumble around. If you're a guy, bobble your wallet; a girl should pretend that the zipper on her purse is stuck. Once the chalice is in hand, get out of the situation as soon as possible in order to avoid a guilt trip. Do not, I repeat, do not lose this cup under any circumstance.
After the keg is kicked or the house fills with false chants of "Cops!" you are going to need to find another party. Here's a side tip: every class has four or five people who know everything that's going on every single night of the week. Befriend these masterminds, oh ye freshmen, and ye shall reap their benefits.
Anyway, outside the next domicile of underage debauchery, find a place to hide your cup. It's easy in the winter due to the oversized puffy coats you kids wear these days, and if all else fails, put it in someone's purse. At the door, proclaim yourself a born-again Christian who has denounced the devil's brew and attempt to convince the party guardian to do the same. After roughly five seconds, he or she will be so bored and/or weirded-out that any attention you received will shift to the nearest acquaintance. Repeat the process until you pass out.